A key point in dealing with addictions is to understand what they are, what causes them, and how they affect the afflicted person. All addictions are essentially the same in that they are more than a strong habit that has been caused by a permanent change to the brain’s chemistry. In the same way you can't unboil an egg we don't know how to reverse that chemical change.

An addiction is a defect in the brain's ability to perceive, process, and then act upon pleasurable experiences. In other words, a person with an addiction has lost a portion of his or her moral agency and is incapable of "just saying no”. To them, feeding their addiction can feel like life or death, which physically drives their actions to whatever degree they allow them to.

The following is a powerful video that explains what's happenes in the brain.

I experienced something like this one day when my blood sugars crashed as I was driving around town one day and I became desperate to get some carbohydrates into my system. Fortunately, most towns of any size have a number of carbohydrate rich sources called "Fast Food Joints" and I pulled into the one with arches, ordered a burger and fries, and pulled around the corner only to find myself stuck behind a line of 4 or 5 cars.

At this point, I was beginning to feel that survival level compulsion for sugar as I sat watching bags of food being handed to people in front of me. My "need" so bad that I began imagining myself going into ninja mode and sneaking up to that magic window where those fries and sugary drinks were appearing and grabbing the next one to come out. It was scary to realize that I was so desperate for food that I was actually beginning to contemplate this idea.

The physical need for carbs was threating to overcome my inhibitions about stealing.

Because of the strength of the physical compulsion, a person with an addiction may go to great lengths to feed and hide it.

What is sobering is that one can become addicted to ANYTHING that provides enough pleasure to alter the brain chemistry. In addition to the well-known addictions, we have heard of people who are addicted to getting angry or being workaholics. Addictions are a lot like cancer in that sometimes they are self-inflicted through personal habits and sometimes they their cause is accidental, like accidental exposure to asbestos.

The important thing to understand is that an addiction compels one to behave a certain way in order to feed it and that is the only way that it can be fed. Understanding this can help both the person that has an addiction to deal with their feeling of lack of control and the spouse, family members, or friends not to think that it is somehow a failure on their part.

Suppose that a man were to become addicted to Big Mac’s. Even if his wife was a world renowned chef and frequently fed him the best food in the world, he would still feel compelled to sneak out and get himself a Big Mac.

This is because that is what the addiction requires and has nothing to do with his wife’s ability to cook and to satisfy his normal appetites. However, an addiction is not an excuse to behave badly because if he doesn’t learn self control, he could ruin his health, his marriage, and the family finances trying to feed his addiction. While he may not be able to quit wanting Big Macs, he can learn to suppress the desire because...

We learned of a man who is addicted to alcohol he has been sober for over 40 years, but every day of those 40 years has woken up wanting a drink. More than 15,000 days in a row he has started out his day being compelled to have a drink, but by going to his knees in prayer every one of those days he has controlled his addiction rather than letting it control him.

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A habit is something one has trained their body to do to the point that it is often done without thinking about it. For example, a person who has worn glasses for a while has developed the habit of rubbing his eyes by sliding his hand under the glasses and will do that even when not wearing glasses because it’s a habit. Habits can be broken with relatively little effort.

It’s also “relatively” easy to “say no” to a habit and while it might feel odd to reach directly to you eye to rub it, it doesn’t require you to fight with everything you have against your body in order to do it. The struggle with a habit is only in the mind while an addiction creates what feels like a life or death struggle in both mind and body.

An addiction is a compulsion, analogous to when your body decides that you’re going to sneeze or yawn and like a yawn, often the best that one can do is to clench the mouth shut, but the yawn still happens. An addiction cannot be unlearned or broken like a habit can, but it can be conquered over time with great effort by learning how to control the urge.

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There was an anti-drug commercial several years ago in which a man held an egg in his hand and said, “This is your brain”. He then cracked the egg into a hot pan and we got to watch it change as it cooked. We then heard the man say, “This is your brain on drugs.”

This turns out to be a pretty good analogy of what an addiction does to the brain because as the heat changes the chemistry of the egg and an addiction changes the chemistry in the brain in such a way that it can't be undone in today’s world.

As we visited different groups, we learned of a man with an alcohol addiction who has been sober for more than 40 years, but still wakes up every day craving a drink. That’s over 15,000 days in a row that he went to his knees in prayer to find the strength to make it through another day.

The good news is that, like this man, anyone can conquer their addiction through determination, hard work, faith, and help from those that love him or her.

It’s important to keep in mind that an addiction like this man has is not the end of the world, but more like an illness that needs daily attention and care. There are many men and women who have powerful addictions, but still live full and complete lives because, like having diabetes, they have learned how to control it.

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Addictions manifest themselves in the form of a compulsion. In essence the body thinks that it may die if the addiction isn't fed and is doing everything that it can to make that happen. It is incredibly hard to resist.

It’s not like saying no to a second serving of pie, but more like trying to say no to a sneeze or yawn that is already on its way, but worse.

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There seems to be a universal belief among those with addictions that they’ve failed so many times that they are beyond the reach of forgiveness and reclamation. This is undoubtedly due to having made resolution after resolution to never do “it” again only to have the compulsion of the addiction pull them back in giving them a very real sense of failure and helplessness.

Some are “sober” for a week, a month, or even years only to relapse yet, once again, making them feel as if there is no hope for them. They often don’t understand the nature of addictions and believe that they should be able to “just say no” or quit cold-turkey so each relapse adds to their feeling of failure and helplessness.

We believe that the only limit to the number of retries one gets depends upon the individual. Relapses are ‘par for the course’ when dealing with addictions and are not a measure of failure. Failure only happens when someone irrevocably gives up on themselves. Success is is sometimes measured in small increments of improvement and determination.

The first lesson that someone with an addiction needs to learn is that no matter how many times they’ve relapsed, or will relapse in the future, that there is still hope as long as they are willing to keep trying.

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As soon as the affected person lets it.

I get that this sounds like a non-answer, but it is accurate because Attitude is everything and as long as a person with addictions doesn’t have the right attitude, nothing is going to happen. However, when that person humbles him or herself, begins to desire to conquer their addiction, and turn themselves over to the healing process, things begin to happen.

This means that they have to recognize that they have an addiction and that they want to do something about it. This doesn’t have to start out as a huge desire to change. Any amount of desire along with the realization that there is a problem is enough to start the healing process.

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A kiss-of-death statement from someone talking in general about addictions to an individual or group is “I know that ‘you aren’t’ / ‘no one in this group is’ having a problem with…”

While you may want this to be true, it may not be where individuals are involved and probably isn’t when you have 3 or more individuals in a group. Addictions are much more common than we tend to believe and making that statement to someone who has a problem will inevitably shame him or her so badly that he or she won’t want to talk with you or anyone else about it.

Always assume that you are, or may be, talking to someone with an addiction. Let people know that it’s an affliction, not the end of the world, and that there is help. Addictions are a lot like cancer and diabetes in that sometimes they are self-inflicted by personal habits and sometimes they their cause is more environmental in nature like exposure to asbestos and lots of good people have them.

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Perhaps the best place to start is to not do anything that may drive them deeper into the addiction such as berating or humiliating them. The problem is that the discovery that a loved one has an addiction can be so devastating that the shocked reaction can be very hard to control and one may want to lash out in his or her pain.

This seems to be especially true when the nature of the addiction is sexual. This is why we’ve started out by trying to explain the nature of addictions so that people might not equate the addiction with the person and then be able to show love, compassion, and patience with him or her.

For example, a husband’s pornography addiction has nothing to do with his wife or how well she has performed her “wifely” duties. He is addicted to the rush that pornography gives him, which isn’t a replacement for his wife and the sooner the wife can get past that the better the chances are that the marriage will survive. He is probably as disgusted by what he’s doing as she is.

After our time in an Addiction Recovery Program we’ve come to realize addictions are very complex and the injured party needs to really understand them before acting too rashly and perhaps irreparably aggravating the situation. It’s also important that the afflicted individual understand that letting your loved ones know that you have an addiction may require time and space for them to absorb the shock, especially when it is sexual in nature.

Spouses, families, and friends need to understand what it means to be addicted and that the addiction has robbed the afflicted person of a portion of his or her moral agency. In short, it isn’t as simple as just saying “no”.

It’s important to understand that many people with addictions are already very ashamed of themselves and what their addiction is causing them to do, so berating or humiliating may drive them deeper into despair and self-loathing and is almost always NOT an answer.

Try to treat the afflicted person like they have just told you that they have cancer by separating the addiction from the individual. Nobody thinks that cancer and its symptoms define the person, but rather that they are something that the person needs your help dealing with.

Don’t take addictions personally. They compel people to act in ways that they would NOT otherwise act. An addiction doesn’t define who a person is, but who they are not.

I watched a close friend of mine who was older and had always been a pillar of morality start lying and shopping around her prescription after she “accidentally” got hooked on pain-killers. This wasn’t who she was, but the addiction made it feel like a matter of survival for her to get more pills so she did something that she would never have done just two months earlier, she lied to people.

Is that diabetic you know a mean person or is his or her low sugar resulting in them being angry? If you can separate the illness from the person then you’ll know to get them something to eat rather than being offended and getting mad at them.

If you can remember that someone with addictions is fighting demons that you can’t even imagine then maybe you can show them the love and compassion that they need to heal.

Unfortunately, not everyone with an addiction is ready to confront it. One should never be an enabler because addictions can be very controlling and may require everything that a person has to give in order to overcome it and giving in to their addiction can erode their resolve. Know that you have the right to lovingly set expectations and consequences.

No spouse, family member or friend should ever condone immoral, abusive, or other disruptive behaviors. Calculated tough-love may be the answer when the person is not willing to try to start changing.

It is also acceptable to remove someone, who is actively trying to change, from the home until they are able to exhibit a reasonable level of behavior and demeanor. Doing so may give them more incentive to control the addiction.

It is important to let the person afflicted with an addiction know that they are loved, but there are consequences for not working to conquer the addiction or not having sufficient control to be in the home. Encourage the addicted person, spouses, family, etc., to go to group meetings to get the help that is key to healing.

(Note - Family and spousal support groups are as important as the 12 step meetings for those with addictions. Download a free 12 Step study manual.

IMPORTANT - Expect relapses!!! It’s nothing personal and it’s not necessarily that they aren’t trying really hard, but that just saying no isn’t an option for them, anymore. They are fighting against their body, which thinks ignoring the addiction could kill it and the body can be very compelling.

Understand what addictions are and what they do to a person so that you can be more sympathetic and loving to the person with an addiction and those affected by it, but don’t be an enabler.

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Unfortunately, not everyone with an addiction is ready to confront their addiction. Regardless, one should never be an enabler because addictions can be tough to control and giving in to their addiction can be counter productive. Know that you have the right to lovingly set expectations and consequences.

No spouse, family member or friend should ever condone immoral, abusive, or other disruptive behaviors.

Calculated tough-love may be required when the person is not willing to try to start changing and may require removing them from the home until they exhibit a reasonable level of behavior and demeanor.

It is important to let the person afflicted with an addiction know that they are loved, but there are consequences for not working to conquer the addiction or not having sufficient control to be in the home.

Understand what addictions are and what they do to a person so that you can be more sympathetic and loving to the person with an addiction and those affected by it, but don’t be an enabler.

How you approach someone who isn't ready to deal with their problem is case-by-case and will probably require getting help figuring out the best approach.

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It is all about attitude. The addicted person has to be in the right mindset to have any chance of success because the road ahead will be very difficult and full of temptations to give up.

Unfortunately, this change of attitude often doesn’t come before hitting rock bottom and realizing they’re at the point of or have already lost everything of any value to them.

Step 1 is to admit to themselves that they have an addiction.

Conquering an addiction is rarely something that can be done alone.

Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) meetings are a valuable resource. Locate local meetings that are Free to anyone 18 and older.

Upon getting the right attitude, the addicted person can begin using the 12 step program offered below and go through it as many times as it takes.

Download a free 12 Step study manual,

Be assured that anyone can conquer an addiction because we’ve seen many people do it, some of which were in very serious trouble. These very same people are often at these meetings where they share their experiences, show understanding, and mentor the “new people”.

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Given that all addictions are essentially the same thing, a chemical change in the brain, most programs can cover any “addictions”. However, because of the sensitive nature of addictions like Pornography and the need to help spouses and families, it is a good idea to address each demographic through different types of groups.

The program that we were affiliated with has the following groups:
Check out a Faith-Based Addiction Recovery Program that is Free to anyone 18 and older. Click on the "Find A Meeting" button to find a local or virtual meeting.

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Any addicted person 18 and older who is willing to abide by the covenants of the group is welcome to attend these meetings. A referral is not required and they do not have to be a member of this faith.

However, attending one of these meetings simply out of curiosity is highly discouraged for reasons of anonymity and you may not be allowed in.

It is strongly suggested that you contact the Group Leader(s) for more information about the group meeting before you attend for the first time.

Youths, ages 16 and 17, may attend with their same gender parent or authorized adult. The adult needs to be “registered” with “Family Services” before attending, but that typically only requires filling out a form. Get the needed information how to get registered and an OK to bring a youth to the meeting from the Group Leaders.

Learn more about this Addiction Recovery Program. Click on the "Find A Meeting" button to find a local or virtual meeting.

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Anonymity is key to this program so they are typically only be attended by “those with addictions”, a Facilitator, and the ARP Missionaries. However, sometimes there are individuals that need a friend to come with them, but anyone that attends a meeting needs to know that the meeting is to be a safe place where someone can talk about their problem without being judged or fearing exposure to the outside world. We can't stress this enough!!!

It would be a good idea for anyone who doesn't have a real problem, but wants to attend a meeting, to contact the Group Leader for permission, first.

Attending one of these meetings simply out of curiosity is highly discouraged for reasons of anonymity and you won't be allowed in if the group feels uncomfortable with you being there.

We try to keep location quiet such as in order to protect anonymity, but not everyone has gotten that memo.

An person with an addiction doesn’t need to get a referral or permission in order to attend and we don’t talk about who is attending meetings, even if asked.

The 12 step program is based on the alcoholics anonymous program, but has been rewritten in the words of a group of recovering members of this faith, who have addictions. Everyone should possess, read, and use the guide, even if not addicted, because there is undoubtedly someone in their life that is.

Download a free 12 Step study manual.

Use it and videos on the website to teach your family and to better protect your children against addictions. Review topic number 7, (What is one thing that should never be said to an individual or group?) about what not to say to your children before you start doing this.

The following is an excellent video about what a meeting is like in this particular Addiction Recovery Program: Watch the video.

Learn more about the Faith-Based Addiction Recovery Program that we worked in and that is Free to anyone 18 and older. Click on the "Find A Meeting" button to find a local or virtual meeting.

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This totally depends on the person, but most people need to continuously work some form of the program for their entire lives because you can’t un-cook the egg.

We know of individuals that thought they were better and left the program after being sober for years only to relapse within just a few weeks.

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There is no signing up. Any addicted person 18 and older who is willing to abide by the covenants of the group is welcome to attend these meetings. A referral is not required and they do not have to be a member of this faith.

It is strongly suggested that they contact the Group Leader(s) for more information about the group meeting before you attend for the first time.

Click Here and then click on the "Find A Meeting" button to get the Group-Leader's contact information.

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Depending on where one is attending, one may be asked to cover the cost of the book ($1.00), but most programs provide the new attendee with the book so the meetings are typically free to attend.

Download a PDF version of this guide.

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It has been successful in helping everyone learn how control their addiction who has worked the program faithfully for as long as needed. We have seen people who thought they were going to die face down in the gutter from drugs who are now some of the happiest people you’ll ever meet.

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Someone with an addiction may very likely still have a deep desire to belong and be part of something, but has alienated him or herself solely because of the addiction.

We have heard it said that nearly 40% of the general population has an addiction of some kind.

Having an addiction does not automatically make someone stupid or a loner, but may cause them to hide for several reasons, such as:
Understanding the difference between someone with an addiction and someone who is a loner is significant. The addicted person may not respond to attempts to draw them out, but rather need help rebuilding their feelings of self-worth, which is a totally different approach.

So please start looking at loners in light that some of them may have an addiction so that you can look for ways to deal with addictions as opposed to fixing socially awkwardness. You’ll never get those with addictions back without understanding their addiction and making adjustments so that you can reach them, too.

Pay particular attention to people that used to be socially active, but abruptly dropped out of sight.

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This is a tough one to answer because addictions come from so many sources and all too often happen on the first exposure. The best thing one can do is to avoid any situation where one might be exposed to drugs, alcohol, tobacco, and especially pornography. This is not an easy thing to do in this world when the addiction could come from something as simple as a pain prescription.

I recently sat with a couple who are both addicted to alcohol, but have it under control. They are running a home for others with the same addictions and appear to be intelligent and thoughtful people. They offered up a plausible theory that people who aren’t connected (e.g., loners or just alone) are more likely to become addicted.

They told me that a Grandma who is getting painkillers during a hospital isn't likely to become addicted to them if her family is surrounding her during her stay so she feels connected. However, someone who is alone in the same situation has a greater chance of becoming addicted because he or she is feeling alone and disconnected.

If this is true, then one way to avoid addictions is to keep your family close so neither you, nor they, feel disconnected.

It also suggests that getting people reconnected might do a lot to help them beat an addiction. I don’t know accurate this theory is, but I a friend of ours who got hooked on pain killers was living alone during her convalescence.

If you have children, we suggest that you be real careful about sleep overs. We’ve had children exposed to pornography at sleepovers in homes where you wouldn’t expect that to happen.

The longer that you can put off their exposure to addictive behaviors, the better it will be for them.

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You hear of celebrities going in and out of these programs with little success. Daryl Strawberry, one of the greatest baseball players to ever live, had a cocaine addiction that these programs couldn’t fix and he was eventually kicked out of professional baseball.

While the “drying-out” process may help someone get themselves under better control, it is key for a person with an addiction to find a personal foundation, a powerful why, from which to fight the addiction.

Simply “drying” someone out does not remove the addiction because you can’t un-cook the egg. The afflicted person needs something that is greater than the attraction of the addiction.

For example, we learned of a man who despite having an alcohol addiction has been sober for over 40 years. However, despite his sobriety, he has woken up every morning of those 40 years, some 15,000 consecutive days, craving a drink, so while being sober helps him, it hasn’t stopped his cravings.

However, because he has a Gospel foundation, he has started every one of those days on his knees asking God for the strength to make it through one more day. His Why and his faith have successfully countered his craving over fifteen thousand times.

Daryl Strawberry eventually hit rock bottom, then found a wonderful woman to love and who loved him, and a mission that gave him the strength to get control of his addiction. He is happier now than when he was making millions playing baseball.

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We’re not really sure, but we’ve heard numbers as high as 40% of the population having some form of addiction and opioids have seriously added to this number.

We were in the life insurance business a few years back when life expectancies had gotten so much longer that it had become possible for someone to either get more coverage for what they were already paying or pay less for the same coverage even though they were 10 years older.

However, because of this new opioid epidemic life expectances have dropped dramatically in the 20 to 50 age range due to drug overdoses. It can be safely said that addictions are at epidemic proportions.

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There is no clear cut answer to this question, but there are several things that may be a tip-off such as: troubles at home, work, school, with the law, etc.; withdrawing from friends and family; an unexpected or unexplained drop in social activity; and/or keeping secrets - all stemming from sudden and often drastic changes in behavior.

Basically, an addiction changes an individual’s life by becoming as important as life or death to him or her. Job, education, family, friends, morality, integrity, activity, etc. all take a back seat to feeding the addiction.

I personally heard an individual describe how his father had once been an international success, but that his success quickly began to erode and over time he lost his job, his marriage, and is now working at Home Depot.

As I listened to this description of a man’s life falling apart I saw all sorts of addiction related red flags, which were eventually verified when he mentioned the evils of pornography.

His father's addiction to pornography had become so important to him that he was no longer willing to leave it alone long enough to do those things that had made him successful in business and in his marriage.

His need to feed the addiction was so powerful that he was willing to give up everything that used to be important to him so he’d have time for what now seemed as important as life or death.

This suggests that you should seriously consider the possibility that someone suddenly struggling with their way of life, job, schooling, family, friends, etc. may have an addiction.

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View the 12 Step study manual online.

Learn more about the Faith-Based Addiction Recovery Program that we worked in and that is Free to anyone 18 and older.

Locate a local or virtual meeting.

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