Perhaps the best place to start is to not do anything that may drive them deeper into the addiction such as berating or
humiliating them. The problem is that the discovery that a loved one has an addiction can be so devastating that the shocked
reaction can be very hard to control and one may want to lash out in his or her pain.
This seems to be especially true when the nature of the addiction is sexual. This is why we’ve started out by trying to explain
the nature of addictions so that people might not equate the addiction with the person and then be able to show love, compassion,
and patience with him or her.
For example, a husband’s pornography addiction has nothing to do with his wife or how well she has performed
her “wifely” duties. He is addicted to the rush that pornography gives him, which isn’t a replacement for his wife and the sooner
the wife can get past that the better the chances are that the marriage will survive. He is probably as disgusted by what he’s doing as
she is.
After our time in an Addiction Recovery Program we’ve come to realize addictions are very complex and the injured party needs to really
understand them before acting too rashly and perhaps irreparably aggravating the situation. It’s also important that the afflicted
individual understand that letting your loved ones know that you have an addiction may require time and space for them to absorb the shock,
especially when it is sexual in nature.
Spouses, families, and friends need to understand what it means to be addicted and that the addiction has robbed the afflicted
person of a portion of his or her moral agency. In short, it isn’t as simple as just saying “no”.
It’s important to understand that many people with addictions are already very ashamed of themselves and what their addiction is
causing them to do, so berating or humiliating may drive them deeper into despair and self-loathing and is almost always NOT an
answer.
Try to treat the afflicted person like they have just told you that they have cancer by separating the addiction from the
individual. Nobody thinks that cancer and its symptoms define the person, but rather that they are something that the person
needs your help dealing with.
Don’t take addictions personally. They compel people to act in ways that they would NOT otherwise act.
An addiction doesn’t
define who a person is, but who they are not.
I watched a close friend of mine who was older and had always been a pillar of morality start lying and shopping around her
prescription after she “accidentally” got hooked on pain-killers. This wasn’t who she was, but the addiction made it feel
like a matter of survival for her to get more pills so she did something that she would never have done just two months earlier,
she lied to people.
Is that diabetic you know a mean person or is his or her low sugar resulting in them being angry? If you can separate the
illness from the person then you’ll know to get them something to eat rather than being offended and getting mad at them.
If you can remember that someone with addictions is fighting demons that you can’t even imagine then maybe you can show them
the love and compassion that they need to heal.
Unfortunately, not everyone with an addiction is ready to confront it. One should never be an enabler because addictions
can be very controlling and may require everything that a person has to give in order to overcome it and giving in to their
addiction can erode their resolve. Know that you have the right to lovingly set expectations and consequences.
No spouse, family member or friend should ever condone immoral, abusive, or other disruptive behaviors. Calculated
tough-love may be the answer when the person is not willing to try to start changing.
It is also acceptable to remove someone, who is actively trying to change, from the home until they are able to exhibit a
reasonable level of behavior and demeanor. Doing so may give them more incentive to control the addiction.
It is important to let the person afflicted with an addiction know that they are loved,
but there are consequences for not
working to conquer the addiction or not having sufficient control to be in the home. Encourage the addicted person,
spouses, family, etc., to go to group meetings to get the help that is key to healing.
(Note - Family and spousal support groups are as important as the 12 step meetings for those with addictions.
Download a free 12 Step study manual.
IMPORTANT - Expect relapses!!! It’s nothing personal and it’s not necessarily that they aren’t trying really hard,
but that just saying no isn’t an option for them, anymore. They are fighting against their body, which thinks ignoring
the addiction could kill it and the body can be very compelling.
Understand what addictions are and what they do to a person so that you can be more sympathetic and loving to the person
with an addiction and those affected by it,
but don’t be an enabler.
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